This morning I woke up early and couldn’t fall back to sleep like always. But this morning I woke up with side effects you would think I would have become used to by now. Which will only get worse for the next couple days.
But today I woke up sick. Sick from neupogen. Sick of cancer struggles. Usually I think it will pass .. All is well. But this morning I felt tired, sick of not knowing when it will end. Not end like when will I die? But wishing I too had a count down till chemo ends verse when my battle is over.
Moments like these are my biggest obstacles because no matter how positive you are there are moments in your journey that you honestly feel beaten down and not sure how much more you can take. I don’t think I have really been through as much as others.
I still have more moments than not that I’m thankful I’m not enduring worse because their are others in harder positions than me.
But even me, I get worn down but I know it will pass because I’m being driven by a thought, a thought that I can’t keep pushing on today and my bed is going to be my best friend. But that’s only a thought and that thought can be changed.
Sometimes even I can’t see the horizon but not everyday can be a sunny day. But the clouds will dissipate and my thoughts will override the moment I didn’t think a few seconds ago would pass.
How do I feel:
How can you feel so crumby laying in bed. But without doing anything you are suddenly hit with a draining, hot and sweaty moment. A rush of temple to temple migraine, extreme thirst and while you reach for your water, bam lower back spasm. Your heart starts to pound and your chest hurts slightly and you wonder is this the approaching heart attack you have been waiting for?
All the things you hoped to do today sits on your mind and you think... can I? If I try can I do half of my list?
Then you have to deal with Connecticare and the anxiety of facing no insurance temporarily and unkind customer service people (one woman was kind while the other yelled at me like it was my fault!)
Today I couldn’t hide my irritability, frustration and weakness from the world, which I usually do well to protect everyone from feeling uncomfortable. I truly do try to protect them from feeling uncomfortable.
Just have to keep pushing forward even when places like Connecticare try to bring me down. I stand by another quote of Mariah’s:
I will live one more day and night and I can get through the rain. — MC