Tuesday’s have normally been a day that could be full of medical appointments. Majority of my chemotherapy days tend to fall on Tuesdays. This Tuesday is no different. Usually, it comes along and passes, I can experience slight anxiety but nothing people tend to notice.
But over the past couple months twice I’ve experienced mind blowing physical pain for several days after infusion. The first time it happened I feared the pain meant progression but didn’t think to connect it to chemo. Then we celebrated it wasn’t progression! But last treatment just hours after infusion the pain set in and left me incapacitated for days. Unable to walk, laugh, breath deeply, and function. Moments like these can leave you quite hopeless, but I clung on to hope that this to shall pass and it did.
Hope barely got me through those days, and now I fear it will happen again this coming Tuesday. I have tons on my plate after people I counted on jumped ship in my life. I will have to figure out pushing forward while in excruciating pain which I can’t even imagine. Life isn’t fair and never have I thought it would be. I mean if life was fair I wouldn’t have cancer and I would be on my way to starting a family surrounded by loyal supportive friends. Oh how I love to dream.
I haven’t been afraid of much this journey, but this Tuesday has me shaking in my bones. What if it lasts longer this time? I barely survived last cycle. I accept that fear is normal, and we have to face fear sometimes to get stronger but I’m willingly walking into something that is similar to torture. Can I face that? Am I ready to re-grow my relationship to my bed while it turns in to my roller coaster cart for it to whip me around and thrust me against the sharpest corners around.
Am I suppose to not be afraid of Tuesday because I’ve been so strong these past 2 years? I might be more scared of Tuesday, more than I was on the Tuesday of my double mastectomy. You might be wondering if your so scared why go through with this? Erublin has kept my cancer at bay, it has been the one chemo to reduce the size of my chemo. So it leaves you questioning: life or pain. I have chosen life so I have to tolerate it for awhile or until we know for sure its coming from the chemo, which we don’t 100% know as of yet.
Tuesday I will walking into the house of horrors which I usually look at as a party of wonderful people. Which they are still wonderful people!