“How are you?” The question I’m asked over and over again, each and every day. I don’t mind answering how I’m feeling, it’s a completely normal thing to ask, but let me explain what better or okay actually means.
“How are you?”
Better can mean so many different things. This past week I went from a 10 to an 8. Yeah, I feel better, but far from the better most associate with the word better.
We spend so much time sometimes trying to explain how we are feeling when, to be honest, its no easy task. Am I ever okay? No, I have cancer. But I am okay because when I’m feeling up to it I choose to be OKAY. Man is this hard to explain.
This is where positivity and determination tend to get mushed into one meaning. Am I the super positive wonder woman? Or am I a 6 on the scale and I just want to make the most of it because someday I’ll be a 10 again.
I was dreading Tuesday because I thought that I might be developing a reaction to my chemo, but Monday came and so did the pain. We don’t know why or what’s going on with me, but cancer, health, and life is hard to have all the answers for. Monday I felt the tightness in my liver, hours later the spasms crept in and by Monday afternoon I was stuck in bed afraid to move. Tuesday was supposed to be chemo day but it turned into ‘how can we try to help Larissa’s pain level get to be a 9 a least?’ By Wednesday the pain medication was finally kicking in and I could say I was finally an 8 and ready for chemo but my nausea spiked. Usually you hear of people throwing up from chemo but I was throwing up right up until chemo. Thursday I sat on the couch on my computer all day unsure what to do other than get caught up on computer stuff. I felt ironically better. What’s better? 7.
Life with cancer is no walk in the park and describing it is a very challenging word hunt! Part of cancer is being sick, so being under the weather shouldn’t surprise anyone. But how do we really feel? Well, better technically, but still in bed.