Some say when you face the reality of your cancer you get angry. Is it true? Absolutely! As positive I am, I have days where I feel as though I can’t handle this. It’s hard living in a split world, a world where you need to focus on living with cancer and your health while also dealing with the pressure of living in a world that goes a million miles per hour. It’s hard to focus when their are moments you want to be the old you: Wake up, go to work, go to the gym, go out with friends, sky dive… you know, do whatever floats your boat because you have all the time in the world.
When you live in a split world, it’s like you have one foot on two trains trying to go the same speed. You feel pressure from not knowing how long you have, pressure to keep a roof over your head, pressure to not give up on all your pre-cancer goals, while tackling all your new goals. In the middle of juggling all that, you try to focus on one task and then lose your powers of concentration because — chemo brain.
I thankfully had always lived a quick-paced life, so it’s not unusual for me. I used to bartend while I was in college and honestly, the busier the better! But now I’m pulled in different directions you cannot prepare for. Which task do I dive deeper and deeper into? It always comes back to my health. I need to take care of me in order to have goals. I now realize that when I get closer and closer to scan day, my nerves, anxieties and yes, even anger, gets the best of me. It is so hard to plan past scan day because “What if”? What if …. The news is not good? What if my whole treatment takes a hard left turn and I can’t do everything I hope to do? Then suddenly you’re back on the two trains trying to decide which train you need to truly be on.