Two years with Breast Cancer. WOW can you believe that, it actually feels longer! I would never have thought two years ago today I would be enduring endless chemo treatments. I stopped counting around 60ish. I wouldn’t have thought some of my best friends would jump ship. And I would never have imagined this sickness, pain and discomfort.
Three years surviving Metastatic Breast Cancer means I beat the statistics. One more to go. But when did the timer start? Is it two years ago today when I received that dreaded call...“Larissa I’m sorry to inform you, it’s Cancer.” Or on April 27 when my whole body scan lit up like a Christmas Tree. Two years ago today I didn’t know I was Metastatic yet, no one knew...no one looked. There’s no question now I was along.
Two years ago today it was a warm March day. I remember standing outside on the phone with my dad in short sleeves and sweat pants giving him the news. The sun was high and warm. Dying was far from my mind. Women survive breast cancer everyday right? Yet, Pink Awareness doesn’t highlight MBC woman. I was 100% afraid, I was 100% unsure what the next 6 months would be like. But I wasn’t thinking: Life with cancer. For all I knew I would be a survivor after a double mastectomy, maybe chemo, maybe radiation…. Not endless treatments and several close calls.
These past several weeks I’ve struggled. And the struggles get harder each time. This time, I started planning my end of life. Two years ago if someone told me this is what I would be doing - I’d have said they were crazy. I delayed writing this blog because two years with cancer isn’t easy. It’s not easy to write this and even harder when your stuck in bed grasping the blankets, the pillow, you’re partner. It’s hard to do anything when you feel like a small boat in the middle of a major hurricane. You wonder - how long can I hold on for? When while I capsize? Two years ago I would never have imagined how life would test me.
Two years ago we were planning a family. Two years ago today freezing my eggs was an option. In less then forty days that option ceased. I see my friends popping babies out like Bruno Mars pops out hit songs...Martin really wanted kids. I’m now a small boat flooded with guilt.
Two years ago I proudly called myself a gym rat. Now I try and Cancer kicks me out.
Two years ago today was the last morning I woke up in peace. No fear. No pain No side effects. It was just a morning like any other morning, but I couldn’t describe it for you - I took it for granted. I would tell you that if you have a moment of peace - cherish it, savor it, remember it. But those moments aren’t always so easily apparent. It’s not until they’re gone when you recognize it for what it was. I don’t remember what peace like that feels like anymore. Maybe one day that memory will come back. Maybe one day I’ll do more than just remember...maybe I’ll feel it.
Metastatically Speaking Larissa Podermanski